Stand-Up Comedy- "Librarians" - Johnathan Marshall, Humor U
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Added: 1 year ago
JONATHAN MARSHALL: So I recently sort of received a shocking piece of information. In order to work as a librarian, you need to have a master's degree ... Seriously. I mean, is not the ability to read good enough?
JONATHAN MARSHALL: What this essentially means is that, in order to write and publish a book, you can be a high school dropout. But if you wanna put that book back on the shelf, that's gonna be six years of post-secondary!
JONATHAN MARSHALL: I mean, what're they even teaching them in this library grad school? My understanding is that when they're filling out the application, the admissions committe will make them take a personality test ... and if they find out you have one, you're not getting in.
JONATHAN MARSHALL: I also take issue with the late fees. I mean, seriously, is that even ethically allowable? Penalizing someone for being a slow reader?
JONATHAN MARSHALL: "Hey, thanks for exploiting my learning disability! While you're at it, why not just repossess my car because I also suck at math?"
JONATHAN MARSHALL: I wanna be friends with the guy who returns "Speed Reading for Dummies" late ... Y'know, you're never gonna have an inferiority complex around that guy.
JONATHAN MARSHALL: Sometimes, when I know I've racked up a lotta late fees, I'll walk up to the checkout counter with a carefully selected volume of books, hoping that maybe the titles of the books will persuade the librarian to waive my fees. I'll come up to the counter, put 'em down, she'll pick 'em up and start reading 'em.
[he pretends to be the librarian going through a stack of books]
JONATHAN MARSHALL: "Okay, we've got 'Breaking the Bonds of Poverty' ... "
JONATHAN MARSHALL: "'Dealing with Testicular Cancer' ... "
JONATHAN MARSHALL: "And ... Okay, here we go, 'Coping with the Trauma After Witnessing Your Children Get Gunned Down by the Viet Cong.'"
JONATHAN MARSHALL: "That'll be twenty seven dollars, sir ... "
JONATHAN MARSHALL: When I was a kid, my favorite book was "The Little Engine That Could." However, I just realized that due to a misprint, the version I was reading actually was missing the last few pages. So, I actually never even knew the little engine reached his destination. As far as I was concerned, he was The Little Engine That Could But Simply Didn't.
JONATHAN MARSHALL: Unfortunately, that book has kind of been my guiding philosophy throughout my life. In fact, just last week I was walking down the road, I was approached by a homeless guy. He's like "Hey, could you spare a little bit of change so I could buy some lunch?" I was like "I think I can. Yeah, I think I can. I mean, I've got tons of money. Heck, I could probably do more than that ... Anyways, I gotta go, so have a nice life."
JONATHAN MARSHALL: "Good luck with the hunger crisis!"
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