Case Study No. 0277: Fenster

THE DEPRESSION
9:54
Tom Petiet's CHAPTER & WORSE tells the story of a dweeb (Fenster) who falls into a coma due to the frustration of his inability to win the heart of a young lady. A librarian, his ensuing dreams display his continuing ineptness in the gamut of literature, providing the basis for this musical parody. This excerpt from the fourth scene finds Fenster in a breadline in the Great Depression, trying to make conversation with the winsome Amy. Unfortunately, a gangster and his gun moll put an end to his efforts. Starring Peter Greenquist (Fenster), Thomas Petiet (The Kop), Patricia Petiet (Annabella), Theresa Kromis (Zelda), Michael Pearson (Bugs), Robert Douglas (The Boss) and Barbara Hilbish (Mrs. Buffles). The narrator is Robin Barlow; Margaret Counihan at the piano. For more comedy in music, visit www.comicoperaguild .org.

Tags: CHAPTER & WORSE THOMAS PETIET PATRICIA PETIET COMIC OPERA GUILD
Added: 2 years ago
From: ThomasPetiet
Views: 194

The Comic Opera Guild Presents
Tom Petiet's Chapter and Worse!
Madventures in good music

["In the Depression" appears on screen, as the scene opens with the narrator speaking directly to the audience]
NARRATOR: Next, Fenster's mind could have - without difficulty - set him down in any one of a dozen wonderful literary scenes. It might've been the time of King Arthur, or perhaps Renaissance Florence. Or even in a harlequin romance ...
[the audience laughs]
NARRATOR: I would've liked that ... But no, where did that recalcitrant organ drop him? On a dismal street corner in one of the more depressing stories of the Depression. If Eugene O'Neill had written a musical, this would be it!

[...]

[Fenster (as the Depression-era literary character Ralphie) enters the breadline and stands behind a woman]
FENSTER: Excuse me, are you waiting in line too?
AMY: Mm hmm.
FENSTER: Me too ... Are you poor?
AMY: Everybody's poor.
[a "blind" woman holding a trombone turns and holds her hand out to him]
MRS. MORGAN: I, I've got this dime!
[he takes it]
FENSTER: Oh ... Everybody's poor, alright. Boy, it sure goes to show.
[a man approaches the line]
BOSS: Alright, people! I got a job here for one woman! Which one'a ya needs it the worst?

[...]

[the boss man points to Amy]
BOSS: Her!
AMY: Gee, that's great!
BOSS: Now, ya gotta be here at eight sharp ... tomorrow morning!
AMY: Ew. I don't know, that's kind of early for me.
[the "blind" woman and her other "blind" friend barge in]
MRS. MORGAN: We can be here at seven!
[he pulls Amy aside]
BOSS: Now, that's alright, that's alright. If you can't ... It's a little bit early for ya, it's alright, but we have to make it up. After work.
[he laughs in a depraved fashion, then walks off as Amy turns to Fenster]
AMY: I guess I got a job!
FENSTER: That's a lucky break for you, I guess.
ANNABELLA: Yeah, I got a break for ya ...
[she tries to hit Amy with her trombone, but Fenster stops her]
ZELDA: [from off camera] Ralphie!
[a young gun moll runs up to Fenster]
ZELDA: Bugs is lookin' for ya!
FENSTER: What for?
ZELDA: For talkin' to his gohlfriend ...
FENSTER: His "gohlfriend"?
ZELDA: Yeah ...
[she looks over at Amy]
ZELDA: Her.
FENSTER: Amy Sue, you and Bugs?!
AMY: [coyly] You don't think I should go out with him? He does gimmee stuff ...
FENSTER: Amy!
AMY: He's also got a Duesenberg ...
ZELDA: Yeah, he does!
FENSTER: [shrugs] Well, I guess he got her there ...
[Amy walks away, as Zelda turns to Fenster]
ZELDA: Bugs thinks you've been hanging around me too much.
FENSTER: What, five minutes?!
ZELDA: That's too much.
FENSTER: But I thought you were his ... "gohlfriend."
[she fluffs up her hair]
ZELDA: Yeah, I am.
FENSTER: Well, how can you go out with him when he does things like ...
[he points at Amy]
FENSTER: This?
ZELDA: Oh, I guess I'm just a one-man woman, Ralphie ... Yeah, that's it! A one-man woman! I started kickin' that Chinaman, and I said "That's my guy, Ralphie!" I don't know why. Something just snapped inside'a me. Or maybe inside the Chinaman. Oh, I don't know!

[...]

[Bugs the gangster enters the scene, grabbing Amy by the collar]
BUGS: That's far enough, doll baby! So, you thought you'd roll me over for the babyface here, huh?
[Fenster tries to hide behind Zelda]
BUGS: Thought I'd let you go and come clean!
[he approaches Fenster, but Zelda stops him]
FENSTER: Honest, I wasn't doing anything!
ZELDA: Bugs, come on!
BUGS: What? Oh, yeah ...
[he takes his hat off and puts it on Zelda's head, then gets nose to nose with Fenster]
BUGS: Shaddap, punk! Nobody takes what's mine and gets away with it, see?
FENSTER: But I wasn't takin' nothing of yours ...
BUGS: Didn't I tell ya to shaddap?
FENSTER: Uh, but ... Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you asked me a question.
BUGS: I'll make ya shaddap ...
[Fenster walks away and begins talking to himself]
FENSTER: Oh, I see, that was just a rhetorical question ...
ZELDA: Don't do it!
[Bugs takes out a pie and aims it at the back of Fenster's head, but Zelda jumps in the way]
ZELDA: No!
[Zelda gets hit in the face with the pie, as she falls backwards into Fenster's arms]
FENSTER: Whoa!
BUGS: Zelda, you fool! Look what you've done!
FENSTER: What a mess ...
[as Zelda lays sprawled on the floor, she grabs at Bugs' suit]
ZELDA: [weakly] I'm going fast, Bugs ...
BUGS: Hey, watch the suit, huh?
ZELDA: I'll say hello to your mama for ya ... I'll wait for ya, Bugs.
BUGS: Look, don't bother ... Let go, will ya?
[he slaps away her hand (covered in pie filling) and tries to wipe it off his suit]
ZELDA: Oh, I was a good girl once, Bugs ... Where did I go wrong?
[she pulls him in close]
ZELDA: Oh, I know ... It was because we couldn't have children.
BUGS: [annoyed] No, it's not that.
ZELDA: But I like kids, Bugs ... We could'a adopted!
[she pulls him in closer, getting more pie filling on his suit]
BUGS: Come on! Come on, huh?!
ZELDA: [weakly] Oh, I'm cold, Bugs ... Why do I feel cold?
BUGS: How the hell should I know? Maybe it's the cement ...
[she grabs him again]
ZELDA: [weakly] Hold me, Bugs ...
FENSTER: Hold her, hold her!
BUGS: [yelling] I am in a hurry here!
FENSTER: For goodness sake, hold her!
[he reluctantly brings her in close, as she wipes her face across his suit]
ZELDA: Oh, Bugs ... Kiss me.
[they kiss, and Bugs ends up with pie filling on his nose]
ZELDA: [weakly] Bugs ...
BUGS: [yelling] What?!
ZELDA: [weakly] Tell me one thing, Bugs ...
BUGS: [impatiently] One thing, but hurry it up!
ZELDA: [weakly] Why do they call you ... Bugs?
[she goes limp, but Bugs seems to perk up at the opportunity to answer that question]
BUGS: Oh gosh, everybody asks me that! Y'see, years ago, when I was just--
FENSTER: [solemnly] It's too late, Bugs. She's ... pied!
[a police whistle sounds from off camera (causing Bugs to run away), as an Irish police officer enters the scene]
KOP: What's goin' on here?
[he surveys the crime scene]
KOP: Oh, good god, tis a murder ... Ooh, and it's a messy one, at that!
[he rushes in and grabs Fenster]
KOP: Ah, it's you what's done the deed, right enough! Come on!
FENSTER: No no, it's wasn't me, it was Bugs!
KOP: Ay, the bugs will get to her soon enough, and you right afterwards! Come on!
[he pulls him away, as Fenster grabs for Amy]
FENSTER: Amy Sue! Tell him!
AMY: [smiling] I got a job!
[she walks away, as the policeman pulls Fenster off camera, while the two "blind" woman inspect the body]
MRS. MORGAN: Oh boy!
MRS. BUFFLES: What is it, Misses Morgan?
[she runs a finger over the pie filling]
MRS. MORGAN: Custard, Misses Buffles!
MRS. BUFFLES: Oh!
[everyone gathers around and begins eating the evidence]

Case Study No. 0276: Evan

The Church (La Chiesa) Part II
9:17
Produced by Dario Argento.

Directed by Michele Soavi.

1988
Tags: 02 DVD La Chiesa The Church Michele Soavi Dario Argento Keith Emerson Goblin Fulcanelli Byzantine European feudalism teutonic knights gothic cathedrals medieval catholic fantasy horror mystery demon main title theme opening intro soundtrack colonna sonora originale del film titoli testa tema musica canzone 1988 1989 1990 yt:quality=high yt:crop=16:9
Added: 2 years ago
From: AramanTripudia
Views: 14,731

[Evan enters the old church and stops to admire a particularly gruesome mural on one of the walls which depicts scenes from hell ... Lisa, who is working on a nearby scaffolding to help restore the mural, accidentally knocks over some canisters which fall on top of him]
LISA: I'm sorry! Please, excuse me! I'm ... I'm really very sorry.
EVAN: That's okay, that's what I get for oversleeping. It's just that it's my first day of work, and I'm already late.
[he glances over towards the mural]
EVAN: What a divine fresco.
[she smiles and shrugs]
EVAN: Which way's the library?
[she points off camera, so Evan starts heading in that direction, when she yells after him]
LISA: Hey!
[she tosses him down a pack of gum]
EVAN: Thanks ...
[he starts walking away again, then turns around]
EVAN: Hey, how about a cup of coffee later?
LISA: [from off camera] Okay!
[cut to Evan climbing a flight of stairs and entering a room filled with books, while a young girl is seen hiding underneath a desk]
EVAN: Huh ...
[he puts his briefcase and portable typewriter on one of the nearby desks, so the girl slowly moves around to try and get a better look at him, but accidentally drops one of her marbles on the floor]
LOTTIE: Oh!
[he turns around to find the source of the noise, then crouches down to speak with her]
EVAN: Hello.
LOTTIE: Hello ... Who are you? You're not a priest.
EVAN: I'm the new librarian. I have to catalog all these books ... unfortunately. My name's Evan.
LOTTIE: I am Lottie. I'm the sacrosanct's daughter ... unfortunately.

[...]

[Lisa and some workers are in the underground chambers beneath the church, as the walls are cracking under the pressure of their drilling equipment]
LISA: We have to stop. Don't drill anymore.
WORKER: Judging by the sound of the drill, I say there's ... there's a cave under there, a big one.
LISA: Yes, I've got to make a report. There's no longer any question of restoration here. We must stop work immediately.
[Evan enters the scene]
EVAN: There you are. Weren't we supposed to have a cup of coffee together?
LISA: We have a problem. Look at these cracks.
EVAN: That's not your job. Why don't you call the Historic Monuments commission?
LISA: You're right. Okay, leave things as they are, I'll examine the cracks later.
WORKER: Whatever you say, ma'am.
EVAN: Let's get outta here ... I'm seeing visions after cataloging all those books!
LISA: Visions of burning sinners and devils with pitchforks, I suppose?
EVAN: Why not angels laying down some great harp, and virgins dancing in ecstacy?

[...]

[Evan and Lisa are meeting in her cabin, as Evan attempts to decipher a parchment that Lisa found in one of the walls underneath the church]
EVAN: Have you ever heard of a French writer named Fulcanelli?
[he uses a magnifying glass to look over the parchment]
EVAN: According to him, the Tables of Law were buried under one of these gothic cathedrals. The Tables that were once kept in the Ark.
LISA: Shades of Indiana Jones!
EVAN: I'm not joking! The proof is that, exactly at that time, the first huge gothic cathedrals sprang up all over Europe. Don't you see, there's no other explanation of where they got the knowledge to build them.
LISA: Isn't that fascinating?
EVAN: Just think what might be buried under these cathedrals ... Things stolen from the Holy Land, treasure, or maybe the key to some unknown science we've lost all trace of. Something that could turn the finder into a superman, a god. I've got to find out what's in that parchment.
LISA: But that's sacriligeous ...
EVAN: I don't care! I don't wanna spend the rest of my life looking at old books ...

---

From imdb.com:

A church is built during medieval times on top of a pile of dead bodies that were considered possessed. Hundreds of years later a young librarian unleashes the evil within, by removing a rock in the catacombs. Series of events occur meanwhile, everybody just does not seem to be the same. Father Gus is the only one not possessed, he must save the city from becoming a pandemonium, he must find the ancient secret of the church so it can crumble to pieces.

---

From earthlink.net:

THE CHURCH

Soavi, Michele (Director). The Church. Italy: ADC Films, 1989. (Dubbed.)

Starring: Tomas Arana (Evan, Librarian, Cataloguer); Barbara Cupisti (Lisa)

Original title: La Chiesa

The production values in this Italian gothic horror film are superior to most found in the genre, and enhanced the careers of those involved, but it's not likely to appeal to people who aren't already horror fans. Demonic possession, torture, rape, blood and guts – not as graphic as some but still enough to make you flinch. The main character (at least for the first half of the film) is Evan, a likeable and boyishly handsome young man hired to catalog the old books in a gothic cathedral. He dresses nicely and carries a manual typewriter to and from work. The library is only an open space with a few odd shelves of disorganized books and some piles on the floor. Evan makes it clear he's not fond of books per se, but he is a student of history and fascinated by the building's rich and mysterious past, and charmed by pretty Lisa who is in charge of restoration (but not charmed enough to remove his wire-rimmed glasses when trying to bed her). Lisa finds an old parchment buried in a wall and to her annoyance Evan embarks on a quest that explains what happened back in the Middle Ages, but in his explorations he accidentally lets loose the horrible evil buried under the cathedral (not unlike Evie Carnahan's inadvertent triggering of catastrophe in The Mummy). He is the first of many to be possessed by a demon, and actually turns into a monster (and in such guise finally gets the girl but I doubt she'll take him home to meet Mom and Dad). You know the librarian in Evan is lost because of the way he handles the books after being possessed, and he no longer sports glasses. That, plus he gets creepy and (unsuccessfully) puts the moves on a 12-year-old child. The setting in this film is magnificent and a nice change from haunted houses.

Case Study No. 0275: Helen Klench

Sit Down, Shut Up - Cheri Oteri
2:53
Cheri Oteri voices the librarian Helen Klench on the new animated series "Sit Down, Shut Up"

Host: Jessica Holmes
Edited by: Zenaida Gorbea
Produced by: Catalina Walsh

Property of Tribune Interactive
Tags: Cheri Otero Helen Klench Sit Down Shut Up Fox
Added: 2 years ago
From: FoxSource
Views: 21,625

[scene opens with "Fox Fix" host Jessica Holmes speaking directly to the camera]
JESSICA HOLMES: Cheri Oteri has worked in memorable animated films, like "Shrek the Third" and "The Ant Bully." On "Sit Down Shut Up", she plays Helen Klench, the librarian.
[cut to Cheri being interviewed]
CHERI OTERI: So, she's got a bit of a chip on her shoulder. She's angry, and her personal life is pretty much reflecting her professional life. So, she just gets into trouble a lot with Nick Kroll's character, Andrew LeGustambos, and they're like the two losers of the loser teachers. They're the bottom of the, you know, of the ... they're the bottom feeders, pretty much.
[she laughs]
CHERI OTERI: The bottom of the barrel. All the teachers are kind of, like, losers in a way. Or they were the losers when they were kids, and now they're teachers and they're still losers, just adults! And, lemmee see, yeah ... With Google and the internet, there's not much need for the librarian, so she's got time to get in trouble outside of the library.
[cut back to Jessica in studio]
JESSICA HOLMES: And her love life is ... quite peculiar.
[cut back to Cheri being interviewed]
CHERI OTERI: She's not opposed to going out with inanimate objects. Um, no crushes, but one could develop. She still believes that Andrew is bi, so she has half a chance there. Maybe one night when they go out for drinks at TGIF or something. But, yeah, her personal life kind of suffers, so she's got a lot of time to get into trouble in school.
[cut back to Jessica in studio]
JESSICA HOLMES: Oteri shared some of the things she enjoys the most about working on this animated project.
[cut back to Cheri being interviewed]
CHERI OTERI: It is so much fun, I feel like it is just a gift. It's, the scripts are so funny when we get them before the rewrites. And the characters are so well-developed and so funny that it's truly a gift. It's a treat for me to do, I have a blast when I go in and record. Y'know, going in to do ADR, it's like I just know I'm gonna be jumping around and, y'know, and cracking up. So, it is so much fun, and it doesn't matter what you look like. So, y'know, you can roll outta bed. Y'know, or not shower ...
[cut back to Jessica in studio]
JESSICA HOLMES: And she agreed to give us a preview of Helen Klench.
[cut back to Cheri being interviewed]
CHERI OTERI: [yelling] "Quiet down!"
[she clears her throat]
CHERI OTERI: She's like the anti-librarian. I used to love when I was a kid in school, nuns would say ...
[she does another impression]
CHERI OTERI: [yelling] "Gingerly! Do it gingerly!"
[she laughs]
CHERI OTERI: And it is like ...
[she makes a confused look]
CHERI OTERI: That is the most un-gingerly sounding voice I've ever heard! So, she's kind of like that.
[cut back to Jessica in studio]
JESSICA HOLMES: Be sure to quiet down as you sit and watch "Sit Down Shut Up" every Sunday night at 8:30, 7:30 Central on FOX.

---

From wikipedia.org:

Helen Klench, voiced by Cheri Oteri

The unappreciated librarian who often gets mistaken for objects such as brooms or toilet brushes, leading her to become angry when people ignore or cut her off. Her catchphrase is "Quiet down!". She seems to have high levels of testosterone, which is balanced out by taking female hormone drugs (which Vice Principal Prozackian was given when it was believed that the hormone drugs were steroids). Helen is skinny but is considered unattractive in relation to Miracle. In one episode, it was revealed because of her extreme loneliness she has a habit of falling in love with inanimate objects and lives with a lot of cats. She was an alumnus of Knob Haven High School, where she and Sue formed a musical duo, and she was obese back then.

---

From wordpress.com:

Fox's new Sunday night animation, "Sit Down, Shut Up", was much hyped as the work of the same team that brought you the show Arrested Development.

Unfortunately, all the quick wit and hysterical surreality is completley missing from this new show. And, to top it all off, they have a weird, mean librarian who manages to combine all that is bad about the old librarian stereotype of a crotchety spinster, with the bored hipster stereotype of the "new librarian". Helen Klench, like this show, could be really funny, a cutting edge commentary on us all. She is not though and neither is the show. Shame!

---

From tv.com:

Knob Haven High Teacher Bios

Name: Helen Klench
Subject: Librarian
Catchphrase: "Quiet down!"

Case Study No. 0274: Miss Merriweather and Mr. McBee

Kevin Hawkes talks about Library Lion
1:27
Kevin Hawkes visits Books Etc
and discusses his book Library lion
Tags: Kevin Hawkes
Added: 3 years ago
From: donnasbooks
Views: 528

[Kevin is sitting in a chair holding a copy of his book]
KEVIN HAWKES: Hi. I'm Kevin Hawkes, and I'm gonna talk to you about this book, "Library Lion," written by Michelle Knudsen and illustrated by myself. Um, it's a story about a lion that comes to a library, and there the lion makes himself at home and becomes useful to the library, and becomes part of the library. When I first got this book, I loved the manuscript, because it reminded me when I was a child. I was born into an Air Force family, so I moved everywhere from age ... well, from first grade to fifth grade, I was in five different schools. And the one thing that was very constant in my life was the library. My mother used to take my brothers and I and my sister to the library, and every library in the world smells the same. They all smell like old books. And I could go to the library and see all of my friends there, the different books that I had read at various places in my life, and it was a very comforting experience. So I wanted "Library Lion" to be literary comfort food, so I illustrated it in a way that was sort of sweet and old-fashioned, hoping that when children would read this book, they would have the same feelings as I had when I visited the library.

---

From amazon.com:

"Library Lion" (2006) by Michelle Knudsen, illustrated by Kevin Hawkes

Miss Merriweather, the head librarian, is very particular about rules in the library. No running allowed. And you must be quiet. But when a lion comes to the library one day, no one is sure what to do. There aren't any rules about lions in the library. And, as it turns out, this lion seems very well suited to library visiting. His big feet are quiet on the library floor. He makes a comfy backrest for the children at story hour. And he never roars in the library, at least not anymore. But when something terrible happens, the lion quickly comes to the rescue in the only way he knows how.

---

From wordpress.com:

For someone who loves children's books as much as I do, it's rather pathetic how little time my daughters and I have spent inside a library. In fact, we've been just twice in Eloise's three years. Our most recent visit lasted less than 10 minutes – about 30 seconds after settling into the children's section, my girls were racing in opposite directions through the stacks, screeching back and forth in high-pitch tones like dolphins using echolocation. With a girl under each arm, I left embarrassed.

In all honesty, though, the apples don't fall far from the tree. I have more than a handful of memories of being asked to leave the library after particularly disruptive behavior on the part of my younger sisters and myself (yelling, running and hair-pulling were not uncommon).

When I came across Michelle Knudsen's "Library Lion," I was fondly reminded of those trouble-making days. I felt an immediate kinship with the author's curious lion, who wanders into the library one day and has trouble following the rules.

When the lion walks through the library's front doors, the circulation desk attendant, Mr. McBee, is startled by the big cat's presence. While the lion finds a comfortable place to enjoy the children's story hour, Mr. McBee goes running to the office of head librarian Miss Merriweather. She, however, is not fazed by her assistant's report but does chastise Mr. McBee for running in the library.

***
One day, a lion came to the library. He walked right past the circulation desk and up into the stacks.

Mr. McBee ran down the hall to the head librarian's office. "Miss Merriweather!" he called.

"No running," said Miss Merriweather, without looking up.

"But there's a lion!" said Mr. McBee. "In the library!"

"Is he breaking any rules?" asked Miss Merriweather. She was very particular about rule breaking.

"Well, no," said Mr. McBee. "Not really."

"Then leave him be."

The lion wandered all around the library. He sniffed the card catalog.

He rubbed his head against the new book collection.

Then he padded over to the story corner and went to sleep.

No one was sure what to do. There weren't any rules about lions in the library.
***

And so, the lion is allowed to sit through story hour. But when the books are closed and the children all get up to leave, he roars in protest. Miss Merriweather, of course, is not happy. The lion is informed that he will only be allowed back at the library if he can learn to keep quiet.

The lion returns the next day a model patron. In fact, he becomes a beloved fixture at the library, helping Miss Merriweather with dusting and stamp licking and helping children reach books on the top shelves. He wins over everyone – everyone except Mr. McBee, that is:

***
At first, the people in the library were nervous about the lion. But soon they got used to having him around. In fact, he seemed very well suited for the library. His big feet were quiet on the library floor. He made a comfy backrest for the children at story hour. And he never roared in the library anymore.

"What a helpful lion," people said. They patted his soft head as he walked by. "How did we ever get along without him?"

Mr. McBee scowled when he heard that. They had always gotten along fine before. No lions were needed! Lions, he thought, could not understand rules. They did not belong in a library.
***

Mr. McBee is eager for an excuse to banish the lion once and for all. He's certain he has found just cause when the lion comes tearing down the hall and lets out his loudest roar right in Mr. McBee's face. After dishing out a harsh reprimand, Mr. McBee takes off toward Miss Merriweather's office intent on tattling only to find that Miss Merriweather had fallen and broken her arm, hence the lion's urgency.

Before anyone can thank the lion, he leaves, certain his rule breaking has made him unwelcome. Days go by, and Miss Merriweather and the rest of the patrons miss him sorely. His conscience heavy, Mr. McBee tracks down the sulking lion and offers an olive branch.

"I thought you might like to know," said Mr. McBee, "That there's a new rule at the library. No roaring allowed, unless you have a very good reason – say, if you're trying to help a friend who's been hurt, for example."

To everyone's delight, the lion returns to the library the next day.

Libraries, with their insistence on quiet and decorum, are often intimidating places for children. Knudsen's lion embodies young readers' struggle to adhere to the rules in the midst of their excitement at exploring this novel place. The lion's redemption gives a child hope that they, too, have a place at the library, even if they do slip up once or twice.

Prior to writing and editing children's books, Knudsen worked in libraries in New York City and Ithaca, New York. One imagines that her experiences in the field (including rule enforcement) have likely influenced her work. In an interview on a fellow author's blog, Knudsen says, "We did occasionally get animal visitors at the Cornell library – birds, squirrels, the occasional dog that got tired of waiting for its owner to come back out – but never any lions, I'm fairly certain."

Like many of us, both Knudsen and illustrator Kevin Hawkes have treasured memories of childhood days spent at the library. Hawkes, who grew up in a roving military family, says the one constant of his youth was the feeling of home he found in libraries he visited in each new city.

"Every library in the world smells the same – they all smell like old books," he said in a YouTube video about the book. "I could go to the library and see all of my friends there – different books that I had read at various places in my life. And it was a very comforting experience."

Using acrylic paints and pencil, Hawkes has crafted timeless illustrations that honor our ubiquitous reverence for libraries. The soft color palette makes me think of the muted spines of old books. His rendering of Knudsen's lion is both huggably sweet and nobly stoic, immediately bringing to mind the marble lions guarding the New York Public Library.

Knudsen's endearing story, paired with Hawkes' charming images, result in a library etiquette manual served with a spoonful of sugar. When I read the book aloud, I editorialize a bit, taking extra pains to emphasize the moral of the story: "Oh, that poor lion. He has to sit outside in the cold, cold rain because he yelled and ran in the library. He's sooo sad." Maybe with a few dozen more readings our family will be prepared for a return trip to the library.

Case Study No. 0273: Leslie Berlin and Henry Lowood

Steve Jobs' early career boxed in Stanford's archives
2:33
The Stanford Silicon Valley Archives' Apple collection provides a unique window into the early years of Apple co-founder Steve Jobs' career. The collection comprises approximately 600 linear feet of documents, photos, videos, hardware and software, making it the largest assortment of Apple-related materials in the world. The archives are overseen by Henry Lowood, curator for history of science and technology collections in the Stanford University Libraries, and Leslie Berlin, project historian.

Read the full Stanford Report story:
http://news.stanford.edu/ news/2011/august/ jobs-082911.html

Stanford University:
http://www.stanford.edu/

Stanford News:
http://news.stanford.edu/

Stanford University Channel on YouTube:
http://www.youtube.com/stanford
Tags: history Apple Silicon Valley Stanford Archive Steve Jobs
Added: 6 months ago
From: StanfordUniversity
Views: 16,565

["Inside the Apple Archive" appears on screen, as the scene opens with an exterior shot of the Cecil H. Green Library]
LESLIE BERLIN: [in voice over] At the Silicon Valley Archives here at Stanford, we have the largest collection of historical documents related to Apple Computers anywhere in the world.
[cut to a still image of the "Online Archive of California" website and its "Guide to the Apple Computer Inc. Records 1977-1998" entry]
LESLIE BERLIN: [in voice over] To understand what we have, you have to understand where it came from, and it came from Apple itself.
[cut to a still image of Henry Lowood looking over some Apple documents]
HENRY LOWOOD: [in voice over] We moved roughly two thousand boxes of material. Once the word got out that we had this core collection of important documentation about Apple, people wanted their materials to be associated with that collection. So we started hearing from former executives, from user groups, from all kinds of people.
[cut to Henry holding a letter]
HENRY LOWOOD: So what we have here is the document from June 1976, from Regis McKenna Advertising. It says, "Steve is young and inexperienced. His system sells for $666.66. Though we moved the quantity into retail distribution, there is as yet no evidence that the retailers are successful in finding customers."
[cut to a still image of the Apple II reference manual (dated January 1978)]
HENRY LOWOOD: [in voice over] We have the original artwork for the Apple I and Apple II manuals.
[cut to a still image of a catalog which shows people wearing Apple t-shirts]
HENRY LOWOOD: [in voice over] We have the Apple t-shirt collection.
[cut to Leslie speaking directly to the camera]
LESLIE BERLIN: Sales records where you can track the sales of a specific computer from sort of single digits to double digits, to quadruple digits to ... you know, tens of thousands of units.
[cut to several black and white photographs of Steve Jobs]
HENRY LOWOOD: [in voice over] We have photographs of Steve Jobs in many meetings. We have photographs of Next Computer from the inside. We have photographs from Apple.
[cut to footage of an old commercial that depicts a proto-tablet computer, with a bar graph that reads "Flemming's Projection"]
MALE VOICE: Where's the rate of deforestation you predicted?
LESLIE BERLIN: [in voice over] We have video of products that were imagined but never produced.
[cut to footage of the famous Apple Super Bowl commercial]
MALE VOICE: A garden of pure ideology!
HENRY LOWOOD: [in voice over] One of the largest segments of the collection are marketing materials. That includes advertising, so we have the original Super Bowl ad.
MALE VOICE: We shall prevail!
[cut to footage of Steve Jobs speaking]
LESLIE BERLIN: [in voice over] We have speeches, final versions, and drafts.
STEVE JOBS: You've just seen some pictures of Macintosh, now I'd like to show you Macintosh in person.
LESLIE BERLIN: [in voice over] These are as it happened. What someone was thinking, not what after years of digesting, they thought. Or how the story has been reshaped in people's memories.
[cut to Steve Jobs giving the commencement address at Stanford University in 2005]
STEVE JOBS: How can you get fired from a company you started?
[cut to Henry speaking directly to the camera]
HENRY LOWOOD: Anyone working on the history of Apple and the principles involved with Apple Computer really have to come to Stanford to do some work.
[cut back to Jobs giving the commencement address]
STEVE JOBS: Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life.

Video - Steve Fyffe
Stanford University News Service
www.stanford.edu

---

From stanford.edu:

Stanford Report, August 29, 2011
Record of Steve Jobs' early career lies boxed in Stanford University's Silicon Valley Archives

Steve Jobs sent tremors through the tech world this week by announcing his resignation as Apple's CEO with a succinct letter that carried an implication of health concerns. Jobs has loomed large over the company he founded in 1976, and his departure from daily events at the company marks the end of an era.

"Apple Computer is an iconic company in Silicon Valley," said Henry Lowood, curator for history of science and technology collections in the Stanford University Libraries. "And by iconic I mean that it's more than just historically important. It symbolizes a lot of things that we've come to associate with Silicon Valley."

Steve Jobs, Lowood believes, represents an archetype of the Silicon Valley entrepreneur. "And through documentation," Lowood said, "we can piece together these aspects of the history of Apple Computer and inform what we think about the visionary people who led Apple."

A window into Apple

Overseen by Lowood and project historian Leslie Berlin, the Stanford Silicon Valley Archives' Apple collection provides a unique window onto the early years of the Apple epoch. The collection comprises approximately 600 linear feet of documents, photos, videos, hardware and software, making it the largest assortment of Apple-related materials in the world.

Many of these items derive from the company's own archives, including materials originally intended for an official Apple museum. Since the company gifted the collection to the Stanford Libraries in 1997, more than 20 significant collections related to Apple's history have been acquired by the libraries.

"There are a lot of things about Apple that we think we know, but we don't really remember the facts correctly. We have to go back to the documentation to remind ourselves about what actually happened," said Lowood.

A young Steve Jobs

In early images, Steve Jobs cuts a very different figure than he does today. Not only is he startlingly young – he founded Apple at 21 – but his hair is long, and he has a hippie air. As late as 1988, a photo from the Douglas Menuez Photography Collection shows Jobs barefoot at a business meeting.

A 1976 letter to Regis McKenna – the man eventually responsible for launching Apple's corporate identity – describes a colleague's initial meeting with Jobs and fellow Apple founder Steve Wozniak.

"Steve is young and inexperienced," the letter reads. "Though he moved a quantity [of Apple II computers] into retail distribution, there is as yet no evidence that the retailer(s) are successful in find [sic] customers."

Silicon Valley itself had a different atmosphere at the time. "It was a small community – nearly everyone knew each other," said Berlin. When Apple was young, Jobs relied on several pioneers of the previous wave of startups – men like Intel's Andy Grove and Robert Noyce – for advice and mentorship. "It was almost a familial relationship with Noyce," she said. "Jobs would call him at midnight excited by some new idea or question. Noyce complained about it, but he always took the call. He adored Jobs."

Apple didn't stay unknown for long. Handwritten financial records from the time of the Apple II's unveiling show low initial sales. A few weeks later, the numbers shot up.

The first fan club

Hard on the heels of sales were the corporate groupies that have become a defining aspect of Apple's image. Stanford Libraries' Special Collections department contains the archives of Washington Apple Pi, the largest and most significant Apple user group, founded two years after the Apple II's release.

As Lowood said, "Apple has had fanatical users for quite some time now."

And the archives also serve as a reminder that, as with other companies whose images seemed tied to individuals, Jobs and Apple are not inseparable. The collection's materials document Apple's 1985 ouster of Jobs, as well as his 1997 return as interim CEO. The Menuez photos include extensive shots from the launch of NeXT Inc., the computing company Jobs founded in the interim.

"People think of these companies in a personal way, because they've been so identified with their founders," said Berlin. "I think that this has been very useful in terms of making the companies accessible, understood and often loved by consumers. But it hasn't limited them: When these founders have needed to leave, they've left, and the companies have continued on."

The Apple materials are accompanied by more than 300 other Silicon Valley Archives collections.

Case Study No. 0272: Mr. Sullivan

Clock Tower Jennifer 02 Edward
19:34
??Edward
Tags: clock tower gameplay ct capcom human playstation alessa jennifer helen louischou louis chou scissorsman ??? ?? ??
Added: 5 years ago
From: louischou
Views: 55,986

[inside the University Research Building, Jennifer arrives and speaks with Helen]
HELEN: Oh. Hi, Jennifer. You came just in time. I was just on my way out.
JENNIFER: Where are you going?
HELEN: Do you remember that statue? The one they found at the scene of the Clock Tower murder?
JENNIFER: Yes ... what about it?
HELEN: I can't find it anywhere. Professor Barton had it ...
JENNIFER: Hmm.
HELEN: And Professor Barton was called away on some police business.
JENNIFER: Do you have any idea where it might be?
HELEN: Yes, I found some telephone numbers on the Professor's desk, one for the library and one for a man named Rick. I think he must have taken it to one of them. He did mention to me that he would like to get an expert opinion of the statue. I don't know who this Rick person is, though.
JENNIFER: I see ...
HELEN: Anyway, I'll go to the library to see Mr. Sullivan. If the statue is there, I've got to get it. I want anything and everything relating to Scissorman.
JENNIFER: Yes. Helen, I'll find out who this Rick person is. Maybe Nolan knows something about him.
HELEN: Jennifer.
JENNIFER: Yes?
HELEN: Who is Nolan?
JENNIFER: Ahh ... (ahem) ... Well ... I'd better run along now!

[...]

[Helen enters the Oslo Municipal Library, where she finds Edward sitting at a table reading]
HELEN: Well, if it isn't Edward! What are you doing here?
EDWARD: It's boring at the hotel ...
HELEN: Hmm ...
[she opens a door at the back of the room and enters ahallway]
HELEN: [to herself] I am sure this is Mr. Sullivan's office.
[she opens the door and finds Mr. Sullivan standing in his office]
SULLIVAN: Hello, Helen.
HELEN: It has been a long time, hasn't it, Mr. Sullivan.
SULLIVAN: I've heard about what happened to you. How terrible.
HELEN: Yes ... By the way, Mr. Sullivan--
SULLIVAN: Yes, I have heard. There is something you would like to research? I will give you a key to the Reading Room so you can use the reference materials as you please.
[he reaches into his pocket and hands her a key]
SULLIVAN: The Reading Room is right next door. Oh, and ...
HELEN: The statue.
SULLIVAN: Oh, yes, that's it. Professor Barton left it with me. Please come pick it up on your way out.
HELEN: Thank you very much, Mr. Sullivan.
[she leaves the office]
HELEN: [to herself] Now I can enter the Reading Room.
[she unlocks the door and enters the Reading Room]
NARRATOR: The Reading Room. There are many valuable works here only available to university personnel.
HELEN: [to herself] I just hope there is something here that will explain the Scissorman.
[she looks up at one of the bookshelves]
HELEN: [to herself] Books relating to England are up there.
[she climbs a ladder next to the bookshelf and grabs one of the books]
HELEN: [to herself] "Lords of Northern England" ... This is it!!
[cut to a woman entering the Reading Room, as Helen is sitting at a table reading her book]
CLERK: Excuse me, but the library will be closing shortly ...
HELEN: Oh, I see ...
[she leaves, as Helen stands up]
HELEN: [to herself] I've found a clue about Scissorman. I still have to pick up the statue.
[she leaves the Reading Room, when the sound of a loud bell suddenly starts up]
HELEN: [to herself] Strange, the clock is chiming ...
[Mr. Sullivan steps out of his office and enters the hallway]
HELEN: Oh, Mr. Sullivan.
SULLIVAN: Helen. It seems the bells of the giant clock are broken. I think I will go have a look ...
HELEN: Well, I will go with you.
SULLIVAN: Thank you, please follow me.
[cut to the two of them entering a room full of gears and mechanical equipment]
SULLIVAN: The clock hasn't been working for ages ... I wonder if someone has been messing with it?
[Mr. Sullivan sticks his head out of small porthole which leads outside and looks out the face of the clock tower]
HELEN: Mr. Sullivan?
[the giant minute hand of the clock suddenly falls down right on Mr. Sullivan's neck]
SULLIVAN: Oh no, my head ... it's stuck!
[the minute hand decapitates Mr. Sullivan, as the lights go out and Scissorman jumps out from behind the machinery]
HELEN: Oh!
[she quickly exits the room, climbs down the stairs, and enters the Reading Room ... she hides behind the ladder near the bookshelf, and - when Scissorman enters the room - she pushes it on top of him and knocks him out]
SCISSORMAN: Gaaah!
[with the killer momentarily incapacitated, she runs out of the room and enters the hallway]
NARRATOR: Edward's voice is heard from upstairs.
HELEN: That's Edward's voice ... ? He can't still be here!
[she enters Mr. Sullivan's office and begins looking at his desk]
HELEN: There are envelopes and documents relating to multiple personalities on the desk. The sender of these envelopes is ... Professor Barton. I really shouldn't look inside. I wonder if there is anything else.
[she opens a drawer]
HELEN: Oh ... a key is inside the drawer.
NARRATOR: You now have the Collection Room key.
HELEN: [to herself] I am sure the Collection Room is in the back. Now I can enter the Collection Room.
[she unlocks the door in back of the office and enters the Collection Room]
NARRATOR: The Collection Room is where Mr. Sullivan keeps the artifacts he dug up in Egypt and other places, of which he is very proud. Mr. Sullivan has shown you this room many times, but this time it is pitch dark inside.
HELEN: [to herself] Didn't there used to be an aquarium here? I could use the light from it.
[she turns on the light inside the aquarium, filling the room with a soft blue glow]
HELEN: [to herself] Thank goodness ... the power is on here.
[she inspects a table in the middle of the room]
NARRATOR: There are many ancient swords, strangely shaped pots, and other valuable artifacts.
[she picks up the statue]
NARRATOR: Mr. Sullivan probably kept it here. That statue is together with the other artifacts.
HELEN: [to herself] Thank goodness, there it is.
NARRATOR: You now have the Statue.
HELEN: [to herself] Since I have what I came for, now all I have to do is find a way out.
[she exits Mr. Sullivan's office and goes back upstairs]
HELEN: [to herself] Huh? That is Edward's voice, and it's coming from inside that room!
[she re-enters the clock room]
HELEN: [whispering] Edward! Edward!
[looking around, she gets tripped up by a chain on the floor, as Scissorman reappears ... she runs back down to Mr. Sullivan's office and picks up a lamp, then - when Scissorman enters the room - she throws it to knock him out]
SCISSORMAN: Gaaah!
[Helen runs out and takes the elevator down to the main entrance, where she hides behind the reference desk to avoid Scissorman ... once he is gone, she opens the door behind the reference desk and finds Edward hiding under a desk]
HELEN: Edward! I thought you'd still be here.
[he gets up]
HELEN: It's dangerous here. Come with me.
[cut to the Reading Room]
HELEN: Edward, you hide under this table until I call you.
[he gets under the table and hides]
HELEN: Be a good boy and don't worry. We'll make it.
[she runs to the back of the room]
NARRATOR: A vent. It is covered with a wire screen fastened with screws.
HELEN: [to herself] That's it. Edward could fit through. He's small! If I could just get the screen off ...
[she runs out of the room and tries to get to the elevator, when she notices someone - apparently - standing next to one of the bookshelves]
HELEN: [to herself] She's the library clerk I just saw ...
[as she slowly moves closer to get a better look, the bookshelf falls down on top of the clerk - whom we can assume was already dead - and Scissorman appears from behind it]
HELEN: Oh!
[Helen takes the elevator and runs into the room behind the reference desk, where she hides behind a copy machine ... Scissorman enters the room, when Helen pushes the copy machine into him, knocking him unconscious]
SCISSORMAN: Gaaah!
[she leaves and heads back to the reference desk, when flashing red lights suddenly appear]
NARRATOR: A police car siren is heard.
HELEN: [to herself] Someone must have called the police.
[Helen goes towards the main entrance]
NARRATOR: The door cannot be opened from the front. Many policemen are swarming around outside looking for a way in.
HELEN: [to herself] There are so many people just on the other side of the door ...
[she heads back into the previous room - which no longer contains Scissorman - and starts looking through one of the desks]
HELEN: [to herself] I wonder if there is something useful here.
NARRATOR: A screwdriver is in one of the drawers. You now have the Screwdriver.
[Helen heads back to the Reading Room, where she opens the vent with the screwdriver, then calls for Edward to come out from under the desk]
HELEN: Edward, come out from there and come over here.
[Edward appears]
HELEN: Edward, you can probably squeeze through here to the outside. Hurry, run away from here.
EDWARD: Okay, I will ...
[Edward crawls through, then Helen runs back to the bookshelves, where she hears a loud crash and sees someone coming out of the elevator]
GOTTS: Hey, Teach! What's going on!?
[she collapses into his arms]
GOTTS: Teach! Hang in there!

[...]

[back inside the University Research Building, Helen and Jennifer are talking]
HELEN: Jennifer, Scissorman was in the library ...
JENNIFER: Huh!?
HELEN: Gotts was just questioning me.
JENNIFER: You aren't hurt, are you?
HELEN: No, I'm all right. I was able to get the statue. But more importantly ... Jennifer, I found a clue to Scissorman.
JENNIFER: What is it??
HELEN: I found out where the Barrows used to live before they immigrated here. They used to live in the Barrows Castle in England.
JENNIFER: The Barrows Castle ...
HELEN: According to historical accounts of the castle, there was some kind of monster born there.
JENNIFER: Hmmm.
HELEN: They must have found some way to destroy the monster back then.
JENNIFER: So, if we go to the Barrows Castle, we might learn how they did it?
HELEN: Right. I can't say we will for sure, but I want to believe we will if we try.
JENNIFER: Okay, I'll tell the others.
HELEN: Good. Be sure to tell Gotts. He'll bug us later if we don't ... We should also tell Professor Barton.
JENNIFER: Okay. I'll go now, then.

[...]

[at the Oslo Week Newspaper Company, Jennifer tells Nolan and Tim about the return of Scissorman]
NOLAN: Jennifer. It seems Mr. Sullivan was killed by Scissorman in the library.
JENNIFER: I know. Helen was there, too.
TIM: Is that right ... ? The police didn't tell us that much.
JENNIFER: Nolan ... She found a clue.
NOLAN: Really?
JENNIFER: Yes. There is a castle in England called the Barrows Castle, and we now know where it is.
NOLAN: The Barrows Castle. That must be ...
TIM: That must be where Scissorman is from!
JENNIFER: Yes, that's right.
NOLAN: Okay, we'll go too. Right, Tim?
TIM: Yeah, this will make one interesting report.
NOLAN: You don't mind, do you, Jennifer?
JENNIFER: Of course not. I'd feel safer if you did come along.
NOLAN: All right then. We'll go and ask our boss.

---

From wikia.com:

"Clock Tower" (known as "Clock Tower 2" in Japan) is a survival horror game for the PlayStation. It was released in 1996 (on a "Friday the 13th") and is a sequel to "Clock Tower: The First Fear."

In the mountains of Romsdalen stood Barrows Mansion, owned by Mary and Simon Barrows. Here, in 1986, Mary Barrows gave birth to a pair of deformed, malicious twins named Bobby and Dan. In 1995, four girls from the Granite Orphanage were adopted by Mary Barrows and brought to the mansion, but were soon attacked by both Mary and the first Scissorman, Bobby Barrows. Of these, the only survivor was Jennifer Simpson, who escaped after causing or witnessing the deaths of Mary, Bobby and Dan.

One year on from the events of The First Fear, Jennifer Simpson has been adopted by Helen Maxwell, the assistant of a renowned psychiatrist, and is currently undergoing treatment in Oslo to help her cope with her experiences in the Clock Tower case and possibly shed some light on the mystery that was the Scissorman.

The plot revolves around another survivor of the murders, a young boy named Edward, and the sudden re-emergence of the Scissorman.

[...]

Mr. Sullivan is the head librarian. He likes to collect things and show them off in a personal gallery. In Helen's second scenario (if in the prologue Professor Barton hasn't given the statue to Harris, the player's next scenario after the first scenario is the library, if the statue was given to Harris, player's next scenario will be Rick's house and Mr. Sullivan won't be found dead) he is decapitated by the library's giant clock when he sticks his head out of the porthole to see what is wrong with it.

Case Study No. 0271: The Queen of Hearts (Wannabe Librarian)

The Zack Files 1x01 Library of No Return
8:08
The Zack Files 1x01 Library of No Return
Tags: Katie Boland Gwendolyn 'Gwen' Killerby Robert Clark Zack Greenburg Jake Epstein Cam Dunleavey Michael Seater Spencer Sharpe Noah Giffin Vernon Family Comedy Fantasy Sci-Fi The Files SE01E01 part 1: Library of No Return
Added: 3 years ago
From: TheZackFiler
Views: 25,969

[scene opens inside the Horace White High School for Boys, as Spencer is pulling a book out of Zack's locker]
SPENCER: [reading the cover title] "Alice in Wonderland"? You read a chick book?
ZACK: Uh, it was on the reading list ... And besides, it's not just for girls!
[Spencer opens the book and starts reading]
SPENCER: "'Oh Rabbit, I'm so distraught!', said Alice, wiping a tear from her eye ... "
ZACK: Gimmee that!
[Spencer chuckles, then notices the label on the book's spine]
SPENCER: This is a library book ... Whoa, you checked this out 18 months ago!
ZACK: I'm gonna return it ... I just haven't had the time.

[...]

[Vernon confronts Zack and Spencer in the hallway]
VERNON: I am hall monitor, and I have the power to keep you in detention until you're either eighteen or dead!
ZACK: Y'know Vernon, it's not the fact that you sweat like a farm animal ...
SPENCER: Or that you strongly resemble one!
ZACK: It's your attitude that stinks.
VERNON: You'll suffer for those remarks, I promise you!
SPENCER: Have a nice day ...
[as Vernon fumes, Spencer notices Zack putting the book back in his locker]
SPENCER: I thought you were gonna return that.
ZACK: Another day won't hurt ...
[he shuts the locker door, but fails to notice that it doesn't close all the way]
ZACK: See ya later, Verminator!
[the two leave, when Vernon notices the locker is still open, so he takes the book and rips out one of the pages so that he can use it to wipe his brow]
VERNON: Heh ...
[as Vernon throws the book to the ground, ominous sounds are heard as the remaining pages turn by themselves, then the scene cuts to the exterior of the public library, as a paper airplane flies out of one of the open windows and finds its way into Zack's apartment window]
SPENCER: Huh?
[he picks up the paper airplane and unfolds it]
SPENCER: It's for you ... air mail.
[Zack takes it and begins reading]
ZACK: "Your library book, Alice in Wonderland, is overdue. The penalty is ... death!"

[...]

[Zack is freaking out over the overdue notice to his friends]
CAMERON: That's a prank! It's The Vermin, trying to get back at you.
[Spencer takes the note out of his hand and examines it]
SPENCER: Possible, but doubtful. I smell a distinct lack of sweat ... I'll need to run some tests, check for ectoplasmic traces. Give me seventy two hours, and I'll know exactly which galaxy this puppy came from and why!
ZACK: We know where it came from ...
[he takes the note]
ZACK: "Your Public Library!" See, big overdue stamp!
[they stop at Zack's locker, and Cameron pulls out several more notices]
CAMERON: You mean like these? "Overdue," "overdue," and ... what a shock! "Overdue."
ZACK: Yeah, fine. Like the great Cameron Dunleavy never forgot to return a book! This is just some crazy librarian ...
[cut to the three walking outside]
ZACK: I'm not gonna fall for this! I'm just gonna walk into the public library, pay my fine, and get out!
SPENCER: Go ahead, if you wanna end up in prison ...
[he pulls out a newspaper clipping with the headline "Library Jails Book Borrower"]
CAMERON: [reading] "November 1998. Taxi driver Norman Smith is sentenced to ... three years in prison for failing to return books to his local library!"
[Zack grabs the clipping and reads the rest of the article]
ZACK: He stole seven thousand books!
SPENCER: At least he didn't mutilate them like you did!
ZACK: I didn't mutilate anything!
SPENCER: Oh, ya think?
[he opens the library book to reveal the missing page]
ZACK: [shocked] I did not do that!
SPENCER: Tell it to the judge!
[they stop at the bookdrop in front of the public library]
CAMERON: Plan B ... Take the book, put it in the slot. By the time they realize it's damaged, you'll be six blocks away!
ZACK: Cowardly, but effective ... I like it.
[he slowly places the book into the slot]
SPENCER: Easy! Don't let the money fall out!
CAMERON: See? Piece'a cake!
[Zack's entire arm is suddenly pulled into the slot]
ZACK: Wait, there's something in here! It's got my arm!
CAMERON: Nothing's easy with you, is it?
ZACK: Ow!
SPENCER: He's not joking, he's actually stuck!
[They grab him and pull his arm out, as his sleeve is all torn up]
CAMERON: At least you got ridda the book ...
[the bookdrop promptly "spits" the book back out towards them]
ZACK: Plan C?
CAMERON: I'm working on it ...

[...]

[Zack turns to his father for help]
ZACK: Actually Dad, you wouldn't be happening to go to the library tomorrow, wouldja?
DANIEL: How overdue is it?
ZACK: Eighteen months ...
DANIEL: Zack!
ZACK: Dad, I was trying to return it, but ... but then I got this!
[he hands him the overdue notice]
DANIEL: [reading] "Your library book is overdue. The penalty is death" ... Someone's pulling your leg.
ZACK: No, my arm ... Dad, there are some very scary people who work at these public libraries! I mean, one of them must have been hiding in the book return ready to ambush me, because when I stuck my arm--
[he looks at Zack's torn shirt sleeve]
DANIEL: First it's a dog, now it's a three-foot killer librarian?
ZACK: I told you it was a dog because I didn't want you to know about the book! But the part about the librarian is true ...
DANIEL: Zack, c'mere ...
[he motions for him to sit down]
DANIEL: Sometimes when we feel guilty, we make up excuses so we don't have to face what we've done. Trust me, no librarian would write this kinda notice.
[he hands him some money]
DANIEL: Now, you can work this off on the weekend, but I want this book in the librarian's hands by tomorrow afternoon.

[...]

[Zack and Cameron are discussing the library book in school, as Zack has his head buried inside his locker]
CAMERON: Are you nuts? You'll never make it into the building. The crazy librarian will run you over in the parking lot!
ZACK: Look, he may be my Dad, but he's got a point. Sometimes you have to face things ...
[he pulls his head out to reveal he's wearing a beekeeper's mask]
ZACK: Let's do it.
CAMERON: Better idea. We sneak in after hours. She can't hurt you if she's not there.
ZACK: That's just great, Cam, breaking and entering! Yeah, I'll still have my life, I'll just be spending it in jail!
CAMERON: Gimmee some credit! My cousin Louie works nights as a janitor ... Guess where?
ZACK: At the public library?
CAMERON: Louie lets us in ...
ZACK: I leave the book and the money on the desk ...
CAMERON: And Cruella D'evil never knows we were there!
ZACK: Could work.
CAMERON: Please! This is genius ...

[...]

[Cameron, Spencer, and Zack are in the public library after hours, as Zack gingerly places the book and money on the librarian's desk]
ZACK: There! I did it!
CAMERON: What did I tell you? Piece'a cake ...
[the Queen of Hearts suddenly appears behind them as a red tornado]
SPENCER: Run for it!
QUEEN: Not so fast!
[she blocks their exit]
CAMERON: This is not a librarian!
[the White Rabbit hops into the scene]
WHITE RABBIT: Indeed she's not ... At least, if she is, she never said so!

[...]

[Zack is on trial for "Ixnay Arkay Appreciationvay" ("Lack of Care and Appreciation for Books") and the penalty is to be fed to the Jabberwocky]
ZACK: Okay, look. I didn't read the book, I didn't take it back, I let it get wrecked, and I'm guilty! Zachary Greenburg is a disgusting ... no wait, a putrid human being!
CAMERON: If this is Plan E, you're losing me!
ZACK: Queen, you're looking for logic? My life is just like this book! It's nuts! Yesterday, my locker ate my football, and today I'm about to be devoured by a completely fictional animal. Who can live like this?
[Spencer enters the scene, grabbing Vernon by the arm, who had been skulking around the outside of the library]
SPENCER: Wait! It wasn't Zack who wrecked the book, it was Vernon, see?
[he holds up the missing page]
VERNON: They-they're lying! They're always lying about me!
[Vernon hears the sounds of the Jabberwocky, and promptly faints]

[...]

[the next morning, Zack has been cleared of all charges, so he stands outside of the library watching Vernon being led out by a security guard, when he turns and speaks directly to the camera]
ZACK: Something I've learned about problems. If you don't face them, they turn out to be monsters. But if you do, somehow, it all works out ...
[Vernon struggles and yells at the guard with a wild look in his eyes]
VERNON: It wasn't me, it was Greenburg! I am a Mantuelfel! I would never break into a library! Who told you it was me? The rabbit?

---

From tv.com:

The Zack Files
Season 1, Episode 1
The Library of No Return

Zack finally gets around to returning an extremely overdue library book (Alice in Wonderland) and is confronted by a furious Queen of Hearts, White Rabbit and Mad Hatter who put Zack on trial for his carelessness. Cam and Spencer are there to help him by becoming his lawyers.